Recently, President Barrack Hussein Obama made an unprecedented decision to explore any and all legal action against former president, George W. Bush (as well as his staff and advisors) for alleged illegal forms of interrogation tactics.  President Obama is very clearly outlining his legal action as an opportunity to adopt a trans-national legal system, which is supposed to increase the morality of our great nation.  In his historically unprecedented decision to seek legal judgments against a former president, Obama is attempting to define “torture” as anything that makes the subject uncomfortable (be it mental, emotional, spiritual, or physical).

The good thing about having a president who is more concerned about the well-being of America’s sworn enemies than allowing our soldiers (and various civil servants) access to information-gathering techniques is that it opens up a plethora of opportunities for us (the common man) to seek reparations when confronted with the following torture tactics:

1 – if your wife is yelling, nagging, or pestering you in a manner that causes any discomfort…
2 – if your boss ever belittles you (privately or publicly)…
3 – if you are one of the primitive parents who spanks their small children or isolates them by using the highly tortuous technique known to millions of emotionally terrorized children as “time out”…
4 – if you ever watch (intentionally or by force) Countdown With Kweith Oldermann…
5 – if your wife emotionally terrorizes you by withholding adequate sexual companionship…
6 – if police officers humiliate you by pulling you over for a traffic violation in front of anyone who might recognize you…
7 – if your children’s school teacher assigns your child too much homework that leads to sleep depravation…
8 – if you are ever forced to go to work because your inconsiderate boss insists upon you busting your butt for at least 40 long, hard hours per week, but NEVER asks if you’d rather be doing something else…
9 – if your in-laws ever stop by for a visit (announced or otherwise)…
10 – if you are refused the level of compensation you feel comfortable with…

…then CHIN UP!!!  There’s HOPE for you that you can certainly believe in!  Our glorious president has found it wise to punish those who would attempt to make your life a living hell and he’s prepared to go all the way for you!  No longer will you have to live at the beck and call of bosses, wives, police officers, or parents!  If it can be somewhat proven (and the ACLU, in conjunction with ACORN, has let it be known that they will be more than happy to prove it for you…for a nominal tax-deductible contribution) that you have been subjected to ANY form of torture (as defined by Pres. Obama) then, my friend, you will be entitled to:

– free stimulus checks for life (tax-free up to the point where you are no longer “rich”…which is also defined by Pres. Obama).
– your choice of torture-free punishment to be inflicted upon the terrorists who terrorized you.
– a front row, middle aisle seat to no more than THREE of President Obama’s famous Town Hall meetings (so long as you don’t block the teleprompter).
– an arm wrestling match and subsequent “hip-hop abs” sessions with First Lady, Michelle Obama.
– a spiritual face-to-face sit down (and free lunch…provided by the tax payers) with Pres. Obama’s mentor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright.
– a guest appearance on Oprah and The View.
– a one-year unrestricted pass to classified government documents (which you may or may not decide to give to Sandy Berger…it’s completely up to you…no one’s forcing you…).
– an opportunity to get drunk with Bo (The First Dog) just before dinner, which could be redeemed for an all-night drinking and hooker-killing extravaganza with the Lion, Ted (hiccup) Kennedy.
– an opportunity to bowl against the in-house Obama bowling team, which consists of twelve door-knob humping Special Olympics gold medalists.
– an all expense paid trip to nine Muslim countries with the president where you will be obliged to join in on some good old fashioned America bashing (as long as you bow before all of the kings of the region as well as french-kiss their hands first).
– an obligatory opportunity to break dance (live) on the Ellen Degeneress Show (as well as an obligatory make-out session afterwards).
– a chance to teach the Obama children about what it means to NOT be proud of your country.
– a trip (by virtue of an Army Fighter Jet…with escorts…and as many friends as you care to bring with you) to Tennessee where you will be able to live as Al Gore for one full day including access to all of Gore’s houses, boats, planes, and earth-saving business secrets (including the secret of how to make millions of tax-exempt dollars under the guise of global warming prevention).  NOTE: you will not be granted access to Gore’s secret facility where he is still working on perfecting his little invention…the internet.
– a three night, two day trip to anywhere in the world with former president Bill Clinton where you will be able to do anything you want to any female you choose (as long as she is slightly over weight or could be mistaken for a man).
– become Timmy Geithner’s “tutor of the day” where you will read (aloud) to him any economics book you choose!
– be allowed to participate on next season’s “The Biggest Loser” with Janet Napolitano as your partner.
– personally welcome the next 100,000 illegal immigrants with a hand shake, gift card to Applebee’s, and free membership to the ACLU.
– and become the next CEO of the company of your choosing (as long as you can agree to a base salary of $1 per year with no bonuses).

Now, that’s some change you can believe in!  Only in America!

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