I am Indiana Jones.  No, wait…I’m MaximusI’m Maximus Indianajonesicus!  I took this little quiz (see link below) to find out what “super hero” or “movie character” I was most similar to…in my mind, of course.  While I don’t handle a sword or bull-whip quite as well as I should, it is neat to see that my mentality is closest to the characters I have enjoyed the most on the “silver screen“.  Below are the results of my “super hero quiz“:

You scored as Maximus. After his family was murdered by the evil emperor Commodus, the great Roman general Maximus went into hiding to avoid Commodus’s assassins. He became a gladiator, hoping to dominate the colosseum in order to one day get the chance of killing Commodus. Maximus is valiant, courageous, and dedicated. He wants nothing more than the chance to avenge his family, but his temper often gets the better of him.

Indiana Jones
 
75%
Maximus
 
75%
William Wallace
 
71%
James Bond, Agent 007
 
63%
Captain Jack Sparrow
 
58%
Batman, the Dark Knight
 
46%
Lara Croft
 
46%
The Terminator
 
38%
The Amazing Spider-Man
 
33%
Neo, the “One”
 
33%
El Zorro
 
21%

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

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BELOW, I WILL ATTEMPT TO KEEP AN ONGOING AND UP-TO-DATE REVIEW OF CERTAIN SELECT MOVIES.  SINCE I PRETTY MUCH WATCH EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT TO THE THEATERS (within reason…I still won’t watch a movie with Sean Penn, Freddie Prinz Jr., or Rosie O’Mygoodness-she’s-800lbs-Donnell), I FEEL THAT I AM WELL WITHIN MY “ELEMENT” TO MAKE COMMENTS AND OPINIONS ABOUT FILMS AND (for the most part) I FEEL THAT THE COMMENTS/OPINIONS I HAVE FOR MOVIES ARE USUALLY SPOT ON!  SO, ENJOY WHAT I HAVE TO SAY AND FEEL FREE TO REBUKE ME SHOULD YOU FEEL THAT I NEED TO BE BROUGHT DOWN A LEVEL OR TWO REGARDING ANY OF THE MOVIES I WILL SLICE AND DICE! 

PSEbert and Roper got nothin’ on me!  They’re bought and paid for, but I remain the unbiased common observer who will refuse to submit a high-quality review for crap like “Brokeback Mountain” or “An Inconvenient Truth”!

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ANGELS & DEMONS: Starring: Tom Hanks, Ayelet Zurer, Ewan McGregor, Stellan Skarsgård, Pierfrancesco Favino

Brief Overview:  When Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks) discovers evidence of the resurgence of an ancient secret brotherhood known as the illuminati—the most powerful underground organization in history—he also faces a deadly threat to the existence of the secret organization’s most despised enemy: the Catholic Church. When Langdon learns that the clock is ticking on an unstoppable illuminati time bomb, he jets to Rome, where he joins forces with Vittoria Vetra, a beautiful and enigmatic Italian scientist. Embarking on a nonstop, action-packed hunt through sealed crypts, dangerous catacombs, deserted cathedrals, and even to the heart of the most secretive vault on earth, Langdon and Vetra will follow a 400-year-old train of ancient symbols that mark the Vatican’s only hope for survival.

My REVIEW: First of all, the book was a great read!  Very exciting, very enthralling, and very controversial.  The “controversial” part of the book was really what made the whole thing as interesting as it was and, after all, it’s pretty much what sets it apart from other books/movies of the same genre.  Dan Brown has found a niche that has proven to be very successful, but for some reason it doesn’t transcend into the film…at all.  The entire “controversial” aspect of the book is completely and shamefully left out of the movie, which is pathetic and a shame.  The movie as a body of work was well done, but pretty much every movie Ron Howard and Tom Hanks get involved with it well done.  It’s something we’ve grown to expect from these two Fidel admirers.  I would sincerely recommend that anyone looking to watch this movie first read the book so you’ll have something to compare.  There are very dramatic aspects of the book that were scrapped from the movie due to political correctness.  Tom Hanks apparently has no problem devouring the Mormons or the Boy Scouts (he is the executive producer of HBO’s “Big Love”, which is a punch in the face of the LDS religion), but cowers when it comes to the Catholic Church.  The things they left out of the movie indicate their hypersensitivity towards pandering political correctness and it really took away from the film.

My ADVICE:  I enjoyed the movie for the most part.  Yeah, it was well done; yeah, it was well made.  However, the mere fact that they left out the fact that the Pope fathered a child and that the murderous henchman was really an overzealous Muslim really disappoints me.  It saddens me, really.  I was so disappointed by this fact that I couldn’t give this movie a rating that it deserved.  The fact that Ron Howard and Tom Hanks are pathetic hypocrits and ridiculous bigots takes away from their work.  It’s a shame, but it’s also not a surprise.  As far as I’m concerned, Tom Hanks can french kiss my white hairy butt!  How’s that for political correctness!  This is the type of movie that you could watch and enjoy or completely ignore and really not miss anything.  It’s definitely NOT a must see movie.

KLEIN-rating:  One eyebrow up; one eyebrow down.

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ROLE MODELS: Starring: Seann William Scott, Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Bobb’e J. Thompson  

Brief Overview:  Two salesmen trash a company truck on an energy drink-fueled bender. Upon their arrest, the court gives them a choice: do hard time or spend 150 service hours with a mentorship program. After one day with the kids, however, jail doesn’t look half bad. Surrounded by annoying do-gooders, Danny struggles with his every neurotic impulse to guide Augie through the trials of becoming a man. Unfortunately, the guy just dumped by his girlfriend has only sarcasm to offer a bashful 16-year-old obsessed with medieval role play. Meanwhile, charming Wheeler tries to trade in an addiction to partying and women to assist a fifth-grader named Ronnie redirect his foul-mouthed ways. It would probably help if Ronnie’s new mentor wasn’t an overgrown adolescent whose idea of quality time includes keggers in Venice Beach. Once the center’s ex-con director gives them an ultimatum, Danny and Wheeler are forced to tailor their brand of immature wisdom to their charges.

My REVIEW:  Like most of the movies I watch, I was alone for this one.  Watching comedies by oneself is tricky because the necessity to “laugh out loud” is not nearly as strong.  From the get-go, however, I was laughing at a fairly regular pace as I watched Rudd make fun of the dorkiest “Dungeons and Dragons” kid ever to hit the big screen; or the comedic quips that just seemed to never end!  The cast was perfect for this film including ALL of the supporting cast.  The storyline was actually really well-done, too…which is usually the worst thing when it comes to comedies.  Although I was by myself, I enjoyed this movie for the both of us!

My ADVICE:  I realy enjoyed it!  I laughed hysterically at several parts (though, I’m ashamed that I laughed at some of the scenes…he he he) and really enjoyed myself throughout the entirety of the film.  It would be a great “date movie” or just a film you want to enjoy with your pals.  If you’re like me and don’t mind watching films by yourself then rest assured that you would be in good hands with this film.

KLEIN-rating:  Two funny eyebrows up!

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BUGS:  Staring Lynn Collins, Harry Connick Jr., Ashley Judd, Brian F. O’Byrne, Michael Shannon

Brief Overview:  A weirdo war veteran (Michael Shannon) who suffers hallucinations about insects shacks up in an Oklahoma City motel with Agnes (Ashley Judd), a lonely waitress on the run from her abusive husband (Harry Connick Jr.).

My REVIEW:  I went into this film without any real expectations.  I’ll admit that I was sold by viewing the film’s trailors in previous movie’s I’ve seen before the release of this film.  I read the reviews of the “professionals” and thought that it was safe to say that this film would be enjoyable and entertaining.  Boy, was I wrong!  For some reason, I keep putting faith into the words of the “professional critics”, but I also keep forgetting that these same butt-kissing societal rejects are also the same people who gave “Brokeback Mountain”, “Alexander”, and “The Hours” raving reviews!  Who are these people?  Who are they speaking for?  The average “grade” that I saw for this film, Bugs, was a “B+”, but I’m scratching my head and wondering if they even watched the movie, or fell asleep like I desperately wanted to!?  This movie was terrible, at best!  It was ridiculously boring and for the most part, I sat in the theater thinking that the movie was actually going to get better!  Well, it didn’t.  The movie ended and so did my love for Ashley Judd.  While I can say that I’ve definitely seen worse films, it’s a safe bet that I probably couldn’t name too many.  Overall, I give this film a rating of “D” and feel very comfortable in doing so.  If you like slow movies with slow character development and slow plot creation then you’ll enjoy this show.  If you’re like me then you’ll probably sit in your seat long after the movie has ended wondering to yourself why you even sat through the entire showing!  Do yourself a favor and go watch “Shrek the Third” or “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” instead.  At least with those movies, you’ll be highly entertained and you’ll get your money’s worth!

My ADVICE:  Don’t see this movie.  If you’re at all curious then wait for it to come out on DVD, which is sure to happen relatively quickly.  If you’re on a date that is going poorly and would like to add to the misery of the person you’re “stuck” with then definitely go watch it.  It will be a sure-fire way of getting rid of the person if you turn to them afterwards and say, “wow…that was the best movie I’ve ever seen”!  Other than that scenerio, do yourself a favor and save your money for something else.  It’s not worth it.

KLEIN-rating:  Two eyebrows down…way down!    😦

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SPIDER-MAN III: Staring Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, Thomas Haden Church, Topher Grace, James Franco, Dylan Baker

Brief Overview: Having settled into his relationship with M.J. (Kirsten Dunst) and come to terms with bein’ Spider-Man, Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) is one happy fella. But not for long. Soon, his love life is complicated by an old flame, Gwen Stacy (Bryce Dallas Howard); two new baddies (Thomas Haden Church, Topher Grace) are on his tail; and Harry Osborn (James Franco) suffers some seriously conflicted feelings about his old pal and a potential secret identity.

My REVIEW: Compared to the first two “Spidey Movies“, this one was a little bit less amazing and incredible, BUT my hat goes off for the special effects, which undoubtedly were amazing and incredible!  The advancements and developments that the film crew were able to employ in this movie were really noticeable and truly worth mention.  It was this part of the film that I have to give an “A+” to.  The story line, however, lacked a lot of continuity and skipped around a little too much.  The biggest area of concern was the “meteor” that impacted earth near the beginning of the movie and unleashed some sort of mysterious black goo.  The black goo somehow made it’s way into Peter Parker’s apartment and got ahold of his Spider-Man pajamas (his costume) and turned him into an alter-ego Spidey.  There were mentions of how “enticing” and “exhilerating” the black goo was, but there was no mention, however, of what the hell the black goo was all about, what it did exactly, where it was from, or why it was even here in the first place!  It certainly left a lot to be desired as far as explanation and the viewer was left to “figure it out on his own” instead.  It wasn’t that hard to piece it together, but since the “alter-ego Spidey” was such a big part of this film it would have been nice to find out a little bit more regarding this mysterious goo from outer-space.  Other than that, the characters involved in this installment of the Spider-Man franchise were terrific.  I’m not sure why the decision was made to have TWO (three counting Harry Osborn’s early attempt to follow in his father’s villainous footsteps) evil villains opposite of Spider-Man in this film because surly one of them could have been held back for further development in (what we are all expecting to be) Spider-Man IV.  The characters were neat and interesting, but trying to fit in character development into an already weakened story line was obviously the toughest task.  This movie was a classic case of Hollywood trying to do too much with too little time.  My overall rating for this movie was a paltry “B-“.  If you really enjoyed the first two movies then this one will probably leave you feeling a bit disappointed, but the entertainment value is definitely still there.  This movie should not be confused with Ben Affleck’s lame attempt as a super hero.

My Advice: In the end, you’ll still enjoy this movie if this type of genre is your cup of tea.  If you’re a critic of comic book movies and happen to have all of the Spider-Man comic books memorized then you’re going to be be disappointed…but if you’re really that type of a person then it’s safe to say that your parents are disappointed in you!  For those looking for a fun evening full of Hollywood’s “bells and whistles” then you’re going to enjoy it.  My opinion is that the special effects alone are worth the ticket price.  They really went above and beyond with the technology.  There were some pretty amusing parts of the film, too.  Seeing Peter Parker (Toby Maguire) bust a move and live the high life was rather entertaining to say the least. 

KLEIN-rating:  One eye-brow up, one eye-brow slightly down! 

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DISTURBIA: Staring Shia LaBeouf, Sarah Roemer, Carrie-Anne Moss, David Morse, Aaron Yoo

Brief Overview: Distressed by his father’s untimely death, a teenager (Shia LaBeouf) begins acting out and soon finds himself under house arrest after getting into trouble one too many times. To help pass the time stuck indoors, he begins spying on his neighbors, only to become convinced that the guy living across the street is killing young women.

My REVIEW:  The movie was pure entertainment and at no time did I find myself dozing off or wondering if I left the lights on in my truck.  Shia LaBeouf is slowly, but surely becoming the next “best thing” in Hollywood and so far I’ve been pleasantly surprised with is acting abilities in the films he’s been in so far.  He’s starring in the much anticipated “Transformers” that is due to release this July and soon his name (as odd as it is) will be known by millions of Americans…and global inhabitants.  The entertainment factor alone warrants an overall grade of “A“, but the movie as a whole did have some storyline problems that were probably the fault of the editor and not the screen writer.  Overall, I give this movie a “B+” and confidently can tell my circle of friends that they will not be disappointed by spending their $8 and two-hours in an uncomfortable chair watching this movie.

My Advice:  Go see this movie.  It’s not a “must see“, but you’ll enjoy it and you’ll be entertained well-worth the price of admission.  Try to avoid movie times that would be typical for the common teen-age “school kid” because Shia LaBeouf is definitely becoming a fan favorite of the adolescent and no one can enjoy a movie with too many greasy-haired pimple factories sitting in the theater with you.  “Disturbia” is a triller-slash-comedy-slash-teen drama that those whom are seeking some good entertainment at a fair value can really enjoy.

KLEIN-rating:  Two eye-brows up!   🙂

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The Invisible: Starring Justin Chatwin, Marcia Gay Harden, Maggie Ma, Michelle Harrison, Chris Marquette, Margarita Levieva

Brief Overview: Nick Powell (Justin Chatwin) is just your average, ordinary teenager, until one night when he’s brutally attacked by a mysterious assailant and left for dead. With his soul caught between the afterlife and the living world, an invisible Nick must solve the mystery of what happened to him before he becomes fully deceased.

My Review: This was quite possibly one of the worst movies I have seen in a long time.  Right now, I am searching the data-base in my brain that contains some of the worst movies ever (movies such as Charlie’s Angels, The Hours, The Badge, I Am Sam, and South Park…just to name a few) and I can’t think of too many that fit into this catagory.  The Invisible was terribly written, terribly acted, and terribly terrible.  The idea was pretty interesting, however.  I will admit that I was sucked in by the marketing that the studio engaged in and because of the trailor, which made the movie look like a legitimate film of possible (and probable) entertainment.  Near the end of the movie, however…just before the “magic necklace” saved Nick Powell (but couldn’t save his tortuous opposite…the girl who “killed” him, but later ended up saving him…yuck…), I couldn’t help but begin talking loudly in the theater while giving a “play-by-play“.  To be honest, I can’t believe that there was a grown adult human being somewhere on this planet who actually spent days (maybe even weeks) putting this movie together…and somewhere there’s a person very dear and close to this “creator” who is saying, “…oh sweetie, that movie was brilliant…I loved it…!“.  Yes, this movie turned me into “one of those people” who can aggravate and annoy you during the film, but to my defense, there were only seven people in the entire theater (and four of them were related to me) so I doubt I was disturbing anyone.  The entertainment value of this movie earned a very generous “D” and it’s only that high because I still believe that the idea could have been grounds for an interesting movie.  The overall grade for this movie, however, is a non-surprising “F“.  Yes, that’s right…I’m giving this movie, the movie’s director, the movie’s actors, and everyone else associated with the production of this movie a big, fat, capital “F“!!!

My Advice: Don’t waste your time.  Don’t waste your money.  I’m almost certain that there are better things you could do with two hours of your life…like, mow the lawn, get waxed, serve on jury duty, or go to a funeral.  The only instace where I would recommend this movie is if you’re stuck on a blind-date and you know that it’s not going well and would rather add to the misery by taking her to a mind-numbing cinematic blunder.  This movie absolutely sucked and I actually tried to get my money back!

KLEIN-rating:  Two eye-brows down…WAY DOWN!  😦

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